No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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