Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
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I was told my cock was a religious experience.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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