i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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