I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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