Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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