Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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