Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
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The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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