Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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