I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
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Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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