What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
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I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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