Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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