i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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