I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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