How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
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