I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
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How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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