I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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