I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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