you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
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He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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