I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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