I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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