I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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