At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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