It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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