Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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