Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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