Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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