I skipped work to stalk him.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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