After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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