do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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