She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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