If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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