I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
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For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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