I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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