My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
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Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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