When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
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Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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