did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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