I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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