I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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