I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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