I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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