You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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