Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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