Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize