Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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