I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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