I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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