Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it was like eating out sand paper
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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