I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
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I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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