my phone needs a breathalizer
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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