I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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